A small look into my struggles with anxiety and depression during my time as a student athlete...
Often when I pictured myself playing basketball at a high level I imagined it would be difficult, but I had no idea what it would entail mentally and emotionally. Those who play understand the demands of their sport, and I knew going into it that it would be hard but I thought as long as I put the ball in the hoop everything else would fall into place. This is a space for those to read my story, even if they don't understand- and to get a discussion going about the serious emotional and mental battle that is going on behind the scenes of many athletes. Although it is not always easy to articulate how you feel because you don't understand what or why, it doesn't mean that you have to. I am an advocate for emotional and mental support and I feel like sharing my story is the first step in creating a pathway that leads to intervention as well as prevention programs for other student athletes in the future.
When I was playing in university it felt as if I was always running on empty. Probably because I was. Living away from home took me out of my comfort zone and forced me to deal with my emotions on my own. I was always one to keep busy, because keeping busy meant the less time that I spent alone with myself. And that meant the less time I had to be alone with my anxiety. I did not sleep through the night one single night of my university career. I would wake up and throw up because the stress would put my stomach into knots. I lost my appetite. I lost a lot of weight. I pushed through for 3 years until halfway through my junior season when I was at my career high in all of my stats, and I realized I was hitting all of the milestones that I had imagined for myself but I didn't feel satisfied whatsoever. When I came home at the end of the night I still tossed and turned not wanting to wake up in the morning and do it all over again. It made me feel crazy, as I couldn't explain what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. No one would understand if I tried to explain and some days I felt like the more people tried to understand the more it made me upset because it was discouraging every time that I tried to explain it and I couldn't. I also felt like I was dumb for feeling this sort of emotional defeat because on paper I had everything going for me. The more I internalized it the harder it got, and eventually it consumed me and changed who I was to my core. I didn't enjoy doing anything and I started to become an angry, and miserable version of myself. It had started to reflect my relationships and I felt myself falling further and further down the rabbit hole. I decided to end my basketball career with the hope that cutting ties with the largest stressor in my life would help me deal with my anxiety. This is an exposé of my experiences in hopes that it helps others deal with their own emotional struggles, and open the door to future mental health support for student-athletes.
*This blog is in no way discrediting anyone who is dealing with these emotions who is not a student athlete. Everyone's mental health is a priority and does not require validation. This is simply just my story and my journey as a student-athlete.*
Oh, sweet, sweet girl. It is bad enough in this season of life that you constantly compare yourself to what others say you should be, look, do and think; that you should also doubt, hate, re-think, over think and wonder what is happening to you without having anyone or any place to turn to. No one can understand what you are going through except someone else going through it too and even then they are different and very hard to explain exactly what it feels like. First of all professional help is the first step to healing part of you and the 2nd step is to be able to talk to someone else who at leas understands some of wha…