Last week I touched on the emotions that I felt while I sat on the bench, and the struggle that I had playing at a school in which I wasn't familiar. One other thing that is extremely important is the fears and stresses off of the court! Although school is hard, I found the social aspect at SFU even harder. When I was in my first year down in California I didn't have any trouble making friends, and I finally felt for once in my life that I was in my social element. I would walk around campus and other athletes would strike up a conversation with me in passing and genuinely be interested in what was going on in my life. When I transferred to be closer to my family I felt as if I had lost that. I think that I keep in touch with more people from my first year of university than my last 2 at SFU.
I would walk around SFU and not feel as if I could be my outgoing self, because I was afraid no one really wanted me there or that no one really knew who I was. I would be with my team mates and they would be talking to people that they knew and in those moments they would engage with me but once I would walk past them on my own it was as if we didn't know each other. It was the strangest thing. Part of it was totally on me, because it takes two to tango, but I never felt comfortable to put myself out there and it was just one more blow to my confidence. I always felt like people around me were judging me and I always felt as if I couldn't be myself. It made my anxiety a lot worse because I now felt alone and as if I couldn't meet new people, because I had become a version of myself that I didn't even know, and that I definitely didn't like. I was convinced that no one was going to like me because I didn't even like myself and I was so miserable.
Many of you that have been following have reached out to me with questions and have shared your stories with me. I appreciate all of you! If I could say one think it is that you should try your best to take everything one day at a time. Anything more than that can be overwhelming. You are not alone! Don't let your stress and anxiety hold you back from living your life.
xo