The last few blog posts have been focused on basketball and my experience at SFU, but as most of you know, that is not the only thing I had going on in my life. Now before I get into anything I just want to warn you that this may be one of my most personal and deepest blog posts thus far, so although I am nervous I think I will feel much better once I get it off my chest.
I was in a personal relationship for two years, it started during my time at UC Irvine and it continued for the full time that I played at SFU. I was happy in the relationship for the first while, but as things started going wrong at SFU, I started to notice I wasn’t getting the support I needed from my partner. They almost went hand in hand. The more disappointed I was with my basketball experience, the more I looked for support in my relationship. Every day that I didn't get the support was another day that I felt more and more alone.
I think the time I put in trying to make my relationship work took away from the time that I needed to help me deal with my anxiety. I definitely was looking for ways to use my relationship to improve it, when instead it actually made it much worse. Having a partner should mean you have someone who has your back and someone who genuinely enjoys you for who you are. I had to come home from being around a coach who tried to change who I was, to now being around a boyfriend who made me feel as if I couldn't be my true self. I was always stressed and worked up because I never felt comfortable, and I didn't even feel comfortable sharing the severity of my issues at SFU. I was being told at the gym that I was dramatic and that I needed to relax, which caused me to over-compensate in my relationship to try and convince myself that things were good. Although I knew and so did everyone else that deep down neither one of us were happy. I didn't want to be the person that seemed like a task to anyone. I was told that I was the reason why his day was consistently ruined. That's a lot to carry with you, and I didn't want to be that person to anyone. I wanted to be someone who is a positive in someone's life, and someone who lifts them up and gives them a reason to smile when times are tough. I couldn't live with that, especially since I was getting the same response from my coach.
Once I decided to end my relationship and I started to see the bigger picture, and I decided I didn't need any negativity weighing me down. I knew I didn't deserve to be anywhere or around anyone where I wasn't wanted. This was what really struck a chord with me and it's what helped push me to put myself and my happiness first. Obviously there are two sides to every relationship and this is just my experience, but I do know that I was able to benefit from the tough heartbreak and lessons and use them to make some hard decisions.
I call these last few months a "detox of my life". A spring cleaning in a sense. I decided to put myself first, and man does it feel good. I'm actually able to enjoy myself and everything that I have to offer. I feel as if I just lost this huge weight off my shoulders and now the dark cloud that has followed me around is finally gone. The sun is shining on my life just in time for summer. It feels sooooo good. I have made a commitment to consistently put myself first and make hard decisions that make me the best possible version of myself.
xoxo,
Tayla