First of all I'd just like to acknowledge and apologize for the fact that I haven't posted in a few weeks! I let the postings slip during finals and then I got locked out of my Wix account. Just my luck.
Anyways..... I recently did an interview with an awesome reporter named Gary who was previously working with the Langley Times. The article was about my blog and it emphasized the importance of the discussion about anxiety and vulnerability of exposing my struggles. As hard as it is to type my story onto a screen and let the world read, I think it is actually part of my healing process.
Here's the thing- I like being happy. I actually love it! I am a firm believer that every day you wake up with a choice, and in order to be happy you need to choose happiness! If you wake up expecting the day to be a drag, the chances of it actually happening are pretty high. I lost my choice. I woke up knowing for a fact that the day was going to suck. I never wanted to go to bed because I knew the sooner I went to bed the sooner I had to wake up and do it all over again.
Now I would like to make it clear that although not everybody who knows me knew that I was going through these issues at the time, it does not mean that I kept my anxiety and my struggles a secret. I was very vocal with my coach about how I was feeling and what I thought that I needed to put my mind at ease. I made it known that I needed to have an interactive relationship and recognition. I spoke my mind respectfully and asked for more interaction and involvement. I cried in his office and said that I felt isolated and uncomfortable. I was told that I was a "puzzle piece that didn't fit". I was told that I was in my own head. I was told to calm down. I was told to stop over-thinking. I was told that I made issues out of nothing. I was told to try and find a relaxation tactic. As if I hadn't already thought about these things on my own. It was not what I was searching for and it was nothing close to what I needed. As many times as I asked I never received. Once I received these responses it made me feel even more isolated because my feelings were never validated, and instead it made me feel crazy and over-dramatic for not being able to calm myself down. I was told that I made everything in my life a crisis. I think that is an unfair statement because for the most part I stuck it out and attended my classes, practices, and games. I missed quite a few due to being sick and a few minor little boo-boos. I had a few days earlier in this past fall where I couldn't get out of bed. I missed a few days for that. But even on the days that I missed I was stressed because I knew I was digging myself further into the hole and becoming higher up on the shit list. So even when I wasn't even at the gym, I was still stressed about it.
I've had a lot of people ask me why I didn't come forward and ask for help or seek administrative assistance. My response is simply that since I had opened myself up and received these responses, I was convinced they were true. I was convinced I was doomed to overthink and that everything was of my own doing. I was convinced that I was over-dramatic and I was determined to conquer it on my own, since I clearly wasn't supported. I felt like every time I came forward with an issue or something that was bugging me, it was an inconvenience and that there was a sense of annoyance behind every response. This was defeating. It made me feel small and helpless.
I think feeling helpless is one of the most dangerous mindsets you can possibly have. How could I wake up in the morning and choose to be happy if I felt as if I wasn't capable of anything except the stress that it was causing me. It made me feel as if my spark was being burnt out. I was exhausted and it made the basketball part even harder. I was constantly run down and could never get a grip on my rest and recovery.
I have recently made some changes in my life to remove negativity and manipulation from my every day. I spent a lot of time being isolated in my own mind, and I was able to drag myself out of it and realize my worth. For that I am forever proud and I refuse to accept anything less from anyone ever again. I know that I have a lot to offer and I deserve to be celebrated and involved in what I am doing. Everyone deserves that. We are all special and fighting internal battles of our own, but it is important to keep in mind that no one has the right to dim your light. I struggled with the fact that I had to listen to what I was told because he was my coach and he knew better. I thought that if I disagreed it was disrespectful and that I would dig myself even deeper in regards to his bad books. I eventually realized that although I never want to be disrespectful or rude, it is not wrong for one to defend themselves or to demand to be treated the way they deserve. I decided to do that and it was not going to fly (clearly) and I came to the conclusion that putting myself first and letting my spark shine was more important than wearing a jersey for a program that didn't accept me for who I was.
Thanks for listening and please remember to keep in mind that this is my experience and it is unique to me. Never is it my intention to touch on other's stories and come to conclusions regarding anyone else. It is simply my truth and the way that I want to tell my story. I have decided to take control of my life and speak my truth.
xo,
Tayla
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